Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Worst Night of My Life

Yesterday was a hard day for me... Ryan and I went in for our second first trimester ultrasound so we could hear a heart beat. With no growth of our baby and still no heart beat it was off to the labs for some blood tests. Our Dr had confirmed what we had feared but had already emotionally prepared ourselves for. Our baby had stopped all development at 8 weeks.

She instructed me in a few different methods of progression for our situation and as I always do I pick the most painful one to endure. Surgery didn't sound to appealing to me and since we are moving in three weeks across country, letting nature take its course wasn't really an option so we went home with our prescribed medicine so I could to what needed to be done.

My labor inducing pills made mine and Ryan's night a long one. What a blessing that I didn't have to endure that night on my own seeing; as how Ryan's entire department was not supposed to leave the ship this entire week and his opportunity to take care of me was out the kindness of someone else's heart.

I had never felt such extreme pain in my life and the heavy pain killers didn't even seem to make a dent in the shoot pains of the contractions.

Ryan was so patient with me, sitting by my side all day and all night... hold my hand and kissing my lips when ever the pain got to intense to bare, which was a sweet and slightly success way for forgetting about the pain. Every couple of minutes I would tap is leg letting him know I need assistance to the bathroom because I didn't have the strength to make it on my own. He would wrap my arms over his shoulders and take my full body weight on him so I could put one foot in front of the other, slowly making it to my destination. He never left my side, not even for a second.

After a little sleep last night and many late night trips to the bathroom I finally had the strength to call my Dr so she could confirm that I had passed through my body all that needed to be. Our gruesome conversation confirmed that my night of agony was exactly what was supposed to happen and that everything was in the clear.

Before taking my fateful medicine I asked Ryan for a blessing. He stepped up to the challenge. It was a sweet yet brutally honest blessing. He comforted me, gave me strength and told me that the road ahead that night was going to be a painful one... I guess I now know how much pain my body can now endure.

Life is funny like that... one moment you are picking out baby names the next moment you are wishing you didn't have to write blogs like this in order to explain to everyone that you really don't want to hear, but need to, every ones concerns and condolences. I was so nervous that people would blame me for the baby not being carried to full term... and possible gossip ran through my mind but my earnest prayers put me at ease... "Danielle, you are strong and I have never given you anything that you couldn't bare and I love you, everything is going to be ok."


Em & M's said...

Danielle, I am so so sorry to hear this. I had a miscarriage a couple years ago, after trying to get pregnant for a long time, so I know some of what you're going through. There aren't really words to console you or to make up for the feelings of disappointment. Basically, what my doctor at the time told me, is that the only thing that truly makes it better is being able to get pregnant again and deliver a healthy baby. I want you to know that's definitely possible, as Madelyn is proof. I actually eventually had to go on infertility treatments to get pregnant with Madelyn, but she is a true delight. Just don't give up hope. I promise that with time things do get better and you will be able to talk about it without feeling crushed. Another thing, it truly makes you relate to others and help them when they go through the same thing. It's really opened some doors for me through my understanding. In the meantime, don't feel bad if all you want to do is cry. Hang in there! Sorry this is such a long comment! Email me or call me if you want someone to talk to.

C.Family said...

Everything Emily said is right on track. I am so sorry to hear that this happened. You know I recently went through a miscarriage myself. It is not easy and brings with it a bunch of emotions you just don't expect. I feel especially bad that you had to go through this with your first pregnancy. I really believe you will be with that child again. There is so much that can be done anymore medically, so don't give up hope. I had that talk with my doctor just yesterday. Call me if you want to talk. I understand if you don't want to, sometimes it is easier not to. I am glad you have Ryan to be strong for you during this. What a blessing good husbands are!

Kathlen said...

Danielle, I cried when I read this post. Hang in there, I love you so much.

Catherine said...

That is true, the Lord is on your side.. never forget that! Love you!

Kyle and Lacey said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You have an amazing attitude about things (as always), and I hope you will continue to feel the Lord's comfort. Just know that there is NOTHING you could have done to have caused it this early in pregnancy. So try not to beat yourself up--sometimes nature just takes its course in a very painful way. We love you and have you in our thoughts and prayers!!

The Mecham Family said...

Danielle, I am heart broken for you. You are a strong woman and can get through so many trying times, (like you have shown in the past), He never said this life would be easy right? I love you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers!

Padilla Fam said...

Hey dani it’s me mariana from byui-your old roommie from carriage house. I love you! I can’t believe I found you through myspace. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wondering where’d you been. Well I see that you got married-congrats, you deserved a great husband. I am sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Well let’s keep in touch k? everything will be okay. Here’s my blog: what’s your email address? Love, mariana jacino (padilla)
email me:

Kelsey said...

Hey Danielle I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your hubby was of great support, what a great man! I hope you're doing well. I'll keep you in my thoughts.