Yesterday was a hard day for me... Ryan and I went in for our second first trimester ultrasound so we could hear a heart beat. With no growth of our baby and still no heart beat it was off to the labs for some blood tests. Our Dr had confirmed what we had feared but had already emotionally prepared ourselves for. Our baby had stopped all development at 8 weeks.
She instructed me in a few different methods of progression for our situation and as I always do I pick the most painful one to endure. Surgery didn't sound to appealing to me and since we are moving in three weeks across country, letting nature take its course wasn't really an option so we went home with our prescribed medicine so I could to what needed to be done.
My labor inducing pills made mine and Ryan's night a long one. What a blessing that I didn't have to endure that night on my own seeing; as how Ryan's entire department was not supposed to leave the ship this entire week and his opportunity to take care of me was out the kindness of someone else's heart.
I had never felt such extreme pain in my life and the heavy pain killers didn't even seem to make a dent in the shoot pains of the contractions.
Ryan was so patient with me, sitting by my side all day and all night... hold my hand and kissing my lips when ever the pain got to intense to bare, which was a sweet and slightly success way for forgetting about the pain. Every couple of minutes I would tap is leg letting him know I need assistance to the bathroom because I didn't have the strength to make it on my own. He would wrap my arms over his shoulders and take my full body weight on him so I could put one foot in front of the other, slowly making it to my destination. He never left my side, not even for a second.
After a little sleep last night and many late night trips to the bathroom I finally had the strength to call my Dr so she could confirm that I had passed through my body all that needed to be. Our gruesome conversation confirmed that my night of agony was exactly what was supposed to happen and that everything was in the clear.
Before taking my fateful medicine I asked Ryan for a blessing. He stepped up to the challenge. It was a sweet yet brutally honest blessing. He comforted me, gave me strength and told me that the road ahead that night was going to be a painful one... I guess I now know how much pain my body can now endure.
Life is funny like that... one moment you are picking out baby names the next moment you are wishing you didn't have to write blogs like this in order to explain to everyone that you really don't want to hear, but need to, every ones concerns and condolences. I was so nervous that people would blame me for the baby not being carried to full term... and possible gossip ran through my mind but my earnest prayers put me at ease... "Danielle, you are strong and I have never given you anything that you couldn't bare and I love you, everything is going to be ok."